Voldemort Goes to the Dentist
by Potions Master 19
Summary: Voldemort is doing some Muggle torturing and chips one of his fangs. After enlisting the help of Lucius and Peter, he decides to hire a Muggle dentist to do the job. Hilarity ensues.


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DISCLAIMER: First of all, I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters, those belong to J.K. Rowling.  
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Author's Note: **This was dreamed up as I was sitting in a dentist chair waiting on my dentist to fill a cavity (Man and it hurt like hell…), I thought dreamily about what everybody's favorite mass-murderer would do in the same position…

  
**Voldemort Goes to the Dentist**  
  
  
  
  
  
'PLEASE!' 'Anne screamed, 'DON'T KILL ME!' Her arms were bound by Devil's Snare, and being a Muggle, she stupidly fought to get free.  
  
She was against a wall, hanging from the ceiling from her arms, her feet dangling.  
  
'Don't worry, it won't be too long Mudblood.' Voldemort hissed. He walked forward, bearing his fangs. Anne screamed again in horror and kicked him directly in the jaw with her high-heeled shoed foot.  
  
'OW!' Voldemort bellowed, his voice echoing through the dungeon. 'THAT BLOODY HURT!'  
  
He held his face with his hand and felt around his teeth with his tongue. Sure enough, his left fang was chipped severely. He narrowed his eyes, pulsing pain going through his jaw.  
  
''THAT"S IT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS TORTURE BULLSHIT!' He yelled as he brandished his wand, 'AVADA KEDAVRA!  
  
A bright green light filled the room, and a second later; Anne was slumped, hanging dead.  
  
Voldemort took a deep breath and let out a deep sigh.  
  
'Now, where's the rest of my tooth?' He said, holding his cheek still. 'Lumos.' He muttered impatiently. He searched the dirty dungeons for his tooth, with no success.  
  
'Oh bloody hell.' He said, giving up walking out of the nasty dungeons.  
  
Lucius Malfoy and Wormtail were there to greet him.  
  
'W-what's wrong master?' Wormtail asked, alarmed, seeing his master holding his cheek in pain.  
  
'Bitch kicked my tooth in.' Voldemort mumbled, aggravated.  
  
'Let me see Master.' Lucius said, stepping forward.  
  
Voldemort bore his fangs. A large chunk of his left fang was missing.  
  
'DAMN!' Lucius exclaimed. 'Now that is a big chip. You are going to have to get that fixed.'  
  
'And where do you suggest that I get it fixed? You think that I of all people can walk right into a Dentist's Office?' Voldemort snapped. That pain was terrible, even for a Dark Lord bad ass.  
  
Lucius shrugged, 'No, not really. Maybe we can use magic to fix it.' He said, whipping his wand from his pocket, a flash in his eyes.  
  
Voldemort took a step back, 'Hell no. You are not a Doctor Malfoy, You look a little too eager to 'help' me out.' He said, then turning to Wormtail.  
  
'And you? What do you suggest?' He asked lazily, before another burst of pain went through him.  
  
'M-muggle dentists don't know who you are.' He said softly.  
  
'Muggle dentist?' Voldemort said, rubbing his chin with his free hand. 'Hmmmm.'  
  
He walked up the step to the Dark Throne and sat down.  
  
'I could always dispose of him after it is finished. It's almost the same practice I believe.' He said, nodding his head.  
  
'I'll go get the Phone Book.' Wormtail squeaked.  
  
Voldemort raised an eyebrow, 'Phone Book? What the hell is a phone book?' He asked, looking to Lucius, who shrugged.  
  
'Don't look over here.I don't know.' He said.  
  
'That's what Muggles use to look up things.' Wormtail said nervously.  
  
Voldemort shrugged, 'All right, go get this 'Phone Book.' He said casually.  
  
Wormtail went to fetch the Phone Book and returned quickly, thumbing through it.  
  
'Oh here's a good one.Doug Phillips.Low rates..Fast service.' Wormtail said, looking to Voldemort hopefully.  
  
'Fast service.well that's what it's all about!' Voldemort said, 'Now how do I contact this Doug.what was it?'  
  
'Phillips.' Wormtail said sharply.  
  
'Ah yes.how do I contact him?' Voldemort asked.  
  
'By phone probably.' Lucius drawled.  
  
'Fetch me a phone Wormtail.' Voldemort said, waving his hand.  
  
Wormtail nodded and fetched an ancient round dial phones and set it on the table beside Voldemort's throne.  
  
'What do I do?' Voldemort said, looking at the phone as if it were something dangerous.  
  
Lucius took a step back from it.  
  
'You talk through this end, and you listen through this end,' He explained, shoving the phone in Voldemort's face as he dialed the number.  
  
Voldemort put it up to his ear and a cheerful Nurse picked up.  
  
'Doug Phillip's Office' She said sweetly.  
  
'Ah yes.I need my fan-Er-Tooth fixed.' He bumbled.  
  
'What's wrong with it?' She asked.  
  
'It's chipped and it hurts like hell!' He snapped.  
  
'All right sir.Name?' She said, her voice was so cheery that it was nauseating.  
  
'The Dark Lord Voldemort.' He said confidently.  
  
'Voldemort? Could you spell that?' She asked.  
  
'Oh um.yes.V-O-L-D-E-M-O-R-T.' He spelled.  
  
'First name? Oh wait, it was Lord.How continental.' She complimented.  
  
'Uh.I suppose so,' He mumbled, and then quickly re-gained confidence, 'It is the name of fear, it makes even the bravest wizard tremble, it is my name, THE NAME OF THE GREATEST DARK WIZ-' He was promptly cut off in the middle of his speech.  
  
'Tomorrow at Two.Bye!' She cheered, and then hung up.  
  
CLICK  
  
'Hello.Hello?' Voldemort slammed down the phone the wrong way.  
  
'Tomorrow at Two.' He shrugged.  
  
~~  
  
Voldemort walked in to the office. There were no other appointments that day, so he was glad he was alone.  
  
He sneered at the smell of the overly perfumed office, which was covered in pink wallpaper, plastered with little chickens.  
  
His sneer deepened as he walked over the pink carpet to the desk.  
  
He stopped in front of the desk and got the Nurses' attention by drumming his unnaturally long fingers on the hard wood.  
  
She was jotting down useless information and smacking gum loudly. She had medium length blonde hair, teased beyond belief. She looked up from her notes and gasped.  
  
'Oh.My.God.' She breathed. Voldemort smirked nastily.  
  
'No.not quite. I'm Lord Voldemort.' He said coolly.  
  
The Nurse's mouth hung open as she crossed his name from the ledger.  
  
'Y-yes sir.Uh, please go back, the Doctor is in his office.' She stammered, shaking.  
  
'Oh, she reminds me of someone, he thought to himself as he went through the meager wooden door to the back, to reveal yet another sickening display of lack of decoration skills.  
  
Bright blue wallpaper with balloons were plastered on the walls, the floor a sick color of sea foam green. Voldemort's stomach churned with nausea as he spotted hearts and clouds painted on a door labeled, 'Doug Phillips.Dentist.'  
  
'Oh good God.' Voldemort sneered as he went through the door. The Doctor had his back turned, and seemed to be doing a little dance and singing something to himself. Voldemort raised and eyebrow.  
  
'Am I interrupting something?' Voldemort hissed. The Doctor turned around and screamed, quite shrilly, like a woman. Voldemort rolled his bright red eyes.  
  
'W-who are you?' The Doctor asked, his voice dripping with fright.  
  
'Lord Voldemort.' He said sharply. The Doctor glanced at his appointment book, and there it was, Lord Voldemort, written in pink ink.  
  
'W-well please.sit down.' He stammered, pointing to the Dentist's chair in the corner.  
  
Voldemort strolled over and sat down, adjusting himself to get comfortable. The Doctor took a deep breath and composed himself.  
  
'Well, Mr. Voldemort-' He began.  
  
'Lord Voldemort.' Voldemort corrected.  
  
'Ah.sorry, Lord Voldemort. What is it that you need?' The Doctor asked, still shaking.  
  
'Well, I was doing some Muggle torture in the dungeon as usual, and the blasted little girl kicked me in the mouth.' Voldemort said truthfully.  
  
'NURSE!' The Doctor screamed.  
  
'I'M NOT GOING IN THERE!' She screeched from the hallway. Voldemort smirked and made a note to himself to kill her later.  
  
The Doctor stood in the corner for a moment and then came forward and sat beside the Dentist's chair. He fumbled and turned on the overhead light, shining it in Voldemort's eyes, causing him to hiss loudly.  
  
'Sorry.' The Doctor swallowed hard, 'Open.'  
  
Voldemort bore his fangs. The Doctor's eyes went wide and he fell backwards from his chair. He got up quickly, fixing his clothes and smoothing his hair, trying his best to look calm.  
  
'Uh.I don't think that I um, can fix that.' He said breathlessly.  
  
'And why not?' Snapped Voldemort, sitting up.  
  
'Th-those are fan-fangs.maybe you should g-go to a Veteraner-Veteranarian for that.' He stammered.  
  
'You either fix my tooth, or I will torture you and kill you in front of your children.' Voldemort spat, his eyes gleaming.  
  
The Doctor sat back down and composed himself.  
  
After a half hour for the Doctor to get his shit together and another hour fixing the Dark Lord's fang, Voldemort sat, looking into a hand held mirror, marveling at his gleaming white fang and his new minty-fresh breath.  
  
'Thank you Worm-I mean Doctor.' Voldemort said as he stood and brandished his wand. 'Mermorius Obliviate.' Voldemort muttered, putting a very powerful memory charm on him, leaving him stupefied.  
  
Voldemort exited the room and walked down the hall, but not before stealing several bottles of Listerine, and opened the wooden door.  
  
The Nurse spun around shocked.  
  
'Hello Miss.Avada Kedavra.' Voldemort said, killing the nurse.  
  
He walked outside the office and into the Parking Lot.  
  
'That wasn't so bad.' He said, before apparating with a pop.  
  
  
  
THE END


End file.
